


Come to Life

by shinysylver



Series: Soulmate 'Verse [9]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Drugs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-15
Updated: 2011-03-15
Packaged: 2017-10-17 00:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysylver/pseuds/shinysylver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has to confront some things about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Come to Life

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Hawaii Five-0.  
> 
> 
>  **Warning:** Some questionable use of prescribed pain killers.  
> 
> 
> This is for my H50 prompt table in the [](http://community.livejournal.com/h50_50/profile)[**h50_50**](http://community.livejournal.com/h50_50/) Community. The prompt was **NUMB**. My prompt table can be found here: [Sensational Sensations](http://shinysylver.livejournal.com/52922.html). All the prompts in this table will comprise the Soulmate 'Verse. There is a main arc and a few other more stand alone entries. If you want to see the order they go in I am keeping track [here](http://shinysylver.livejournal.com/59213.html#cutid1).  
> 
> 
> This story immediately follows **Choices** but we are back in Steve's perspective. This one was very hard to write. Trying to get Steve's internal voice(s) right just about killed me. I hope you all think it works.

“I feel numb  
I can’t come to life”  
~World So Cold~  
Three Days Grace

 _I am **in love** with you. Does that matter at all?_

It had been hours since Danny had left but his words still echoed in Steve’s head on endless repeat. Steve closed his eyes but he couldn’t block out the image of Danny yelling them. Who did that? Who yelled their love in anger? Was that even love? How could it be? And then there was the traitorous whisper that he tried to ignore that wondered what Danny could possibly find to love.

Steve stared at the button that operated the morphine drip. He wasn’t usually the sort of person who used pain killers. Normally he resisted taking any drugs that dulled his senses, but he couldn’t bear to feel anything right now. He wanted to still his thoughts. Steve just wanted to be numb. After a moment of hesitation he pressed the button, telling himself that it was okay because his shoulder _did_ hurt. And if he really was in physical pain then why not use it? Never mind that the pain wasn't bad enough to warrant the morphine. At the moment he didn’t really care.

Steve watched the drug drip slowly into the IV, before making its way into his veins. The effects came on quickly and before long his body began to feel extremely heavy. He lay back against the pillows, but it felt as though he was still sinking. It was almost like he was slowly sinking underwater. It was a rather pleasant feeling for a man who had spent a large part of his life in the water. As he lay there floating, his mind started to get fuzzy and his thoughts returned to the jungle.

He found himself hoping that the drug would give him the same sort of peace that he had found under that tree. Steve was hoping that it would return him to that blessed darkness he’d found, the place with no pain and no worries. Of course, he realized that desire was bordering on dangerous, but he just didn’t care. He had been carrying around so much pain, so much worry, and so much responsibility for so long and he was tired, so very tired. He had almost cleared his mind and found an internal silence when it was rudely breeched by the voice that had been haunting him for weeks now.

 _Coward._ The Danny-voice in his mind whispered.

“Not a coward.” Steve mumbled thickly. The morphine making his mouth feel slow and disconnected from his body.

 _The big, bad SEAL is afraid of a few little emotions. Sounds like a coward to me._ The Danny-voice scoffed.

“Not afraid.” Steve whispered in response.

 _Bullshit._ The Danny-voice said.

“I’m not.” Steve muttered.

 _Right._ The voice was sarcastic now. _Then why are you running?_

Even through the drug haze, Steve didn’t appreciate his subconscious mocking him with sarcasm. It just didn’t seem right.

“Not running.” Steve whispered, but even he didn’t believe his words.

 _What do you call this then?_ The voice sounded curious now as if it really did wonder what Steve thought he was doing.

"Rest." Steve answered.

 _So your idea of rest is a drugged stupor and borderline suicidal thoughts?_ The Danny-voice asked angrily. _That's pretty fucked up. Have you ever thought about, oh I don't know, dealing with all this shit?_

"I deal." Steve said defensively.

 _Not well. You push everyone away and go on kamikaze vengeance missions. How is that dealing? How is that living?_ The voice asked in frustration. Steve idly thought that it was a pretty bad sign if he managed to piss himself off this much. _It seems to me that you’d have plenty of things to live for if you weren't such an idiot._

Steve didn't respond. He didn't know how to respond. He knew he was screwed up but it had always worked for him—until recently at least.

 _I hope your silence signifies deep reflection and agreement._ The Danny-voice said. It was the last thing Steve heard before he drifted off to sleep.

**

The next morning Steve woke to a renewed throbbing in his shoulder. For a moment he considered activating the drip again but thought better of it. He remembered his conversation with himself last night and would prefer not to have any repeat performances.

Steve frowned, thinking about last night. He wasn’t a coward. Steve McGarrett didn’t back down from anything, no matter how terrifying, and he certainly wasn’t going to start now. It was long past time for him to confront some things. He just wished that it was the type of confrontation that involved guns and grenades, maybe even a Molotov cocktail or two. That would be a whole lot easier than dealing with all of this emotional crap. Steve knew that he wasn’t good with emotions but he’d be damned if he was afraid of them. Danny was the one who was good with emotions. He always wore them on his sleeves. Hell, he'd told Steve he loved him—twice—and Steve didn't even know what that kind of love _was_.

Steve closed his eyes. He honestly couldn’t understand why Danny would feel that way about him. He wanted to dismiss it as a manipulation, a way for Danny to get Steve to do what he wanted but he couldn't. One of the few unshakeable truths of his life was that he trusted Danny and Steve knew that he would never mislead him or manipulate him. Not like that. So that meant that Danny really did love him. For the first time, Steve allowed himself to really embrace the idea. The thought of being loved by Danny both terrified him and made him feel a surprising warmth spreading through his chest.  


Steve had never been in love before. He’d never even considered it because he'd never thought it was possible for him. He'd had friends and lovers and until now that had always been enough. But he had realized a long time ago that Danny was more than that. He was family, he and Grace both. But was that love? And if it was what did that _mean_? Steve was never going to be the kind of man who had a white picket fence and 2.5 children. And heaven forbid he ever own a minivan.

Steve wasn’t the type to settle down but he figured that Danny had already figured that out. Of course Danny wasn't exactly the minivan type either. In fact the idea of him showing up for work in one was almost enough to make Steve laugh. He guessed that what really mattered was that it seemed like for the most part Danny accepted him. He bitched about things but Steve knew better than to take that seriously.The only major sticking point was Wo Fat.

How was Steve supposed to let that go? Wo Fat was responsible for the deaths of both of his parents. He was responsible for Steve and Mary being sent to the mainland. He was why Steve was in the Navy. All of his life had been shaped by Wo Fat. Surely he should pay for taking everything away. But at the same time he was starting to realize that maybe all he was doing was letting Wo Fat win. When terrorists struck you didn't change your life because that would be allowing them to win and maybe by giving up so much in pursuit of Wo Fat he was letting Wo Fat shape his life one last time.

He also couldn’t deny that his time in the jungle had made him second guess his priorities. When he was lying under that tree with no hope left, he had accepted his death. It had been a surprisingly peaceful moment. He hadn't been upset, angry, or even sad at the thought of dying, but he had wanted to see Danny. In fact the only thing that he cared about in that moment was Danny. Nothing else had mattered. Was _that_ love? Steve wasn’t sure but it he knew it was important. It was important enough that it seemed like something he should tell Danny.

Danny had told him to call when he’d made a decision. Had he? He wanted to be with Danny, he couldn’t deny that but could he really drop the search for Wo Fat? He’d spent so many years chasing Victor Hesse with single minded determination even before it had become personal. He had always been a good sailor and a good SEAL because of his laser focused determination and devotion to the mission. Could he change that about himself? Steve honestly didn’t know.

Steve felt a twisting in his stomach and a tightening in his chest. He might not know if he could change and be what Danny wanted but he did know that he had to hear Danny's voice right now. So before he could second guess his decision, Steve grabbed his cell phone off the bedside table and dialed Danny's number.

“Hello?” Danny answered hesitantly after two rings.

“I don’t know what you want from me.” Steve said, not wanting to beat around the bush. “And I don't know if I can be what you want. But when I realized I was dying out there you were the only thing I cared about. Seeing you was the only thing that mattered.”

The line was silent for long enough that Steve began worry. He took a deep breath. "I just thought you should know that."

Danny finally responded, his voice rough. “Thank you."

"Well," Steve said suddenly shy, which was ridiculous because he had been sleeping with Danny for months. "I guess I'll talk to you later."

"Yes." Danny said his voice quiet and thoughtful. "I'll see you soon, Steve."

Steve hung up the phone. Despite his injuries, he felt better than he had in weeks. Maybe this whole living thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.


End file.
